Friday, February 03, 2006

Dear Enron Employees

Especially you, Matthew L*nh*rt...

Actually, I'm picking on Matthew (Matt? do they call you Matt?) because I've seen some of his emails; there are others for whom this message is equally suited but whose emails I've not yet read.

Dude, stop sending your f*cking personal emails from your work account. Really. If you worked for me I'd fire your *ss because you're too stupid to work at Enron. Let alone the amount of company time you piss away on personal emails. Gad, they're not even quality stuff, no conversations with friends about quantum physics or politics, just shallow fluffy stuff like pre- or post-vacation chatter.

Shocked that somebody you don't even know read your emails? You shouldn't be. Remember back in 2001, that little thing that happened with your firm? The implosion after all the high mucky-mucks little book-cooking scheme fell apart? Yeah, that little thing.

Well, the Feds did this other thing during the early phase of prosecution after Enron kind of fell apart, called "discovery", where they went and gathered a bunch of documents from Enron under a permission slip called a subpoena, to show how bad those so-called "smartest guys in the room" really were.

This included electronic documents -- like email.

Your email, specifically. Including your dopey jokes about pr0n and your feelings about spas, massages and the Caymans.

Because the Feds got them as part of the document production process in a criminal suit, your emails are now public record.

Your grandkids can now see what kind of a slacker you were at the office.

Dude. Really.

If I were you, I'd stop spending money on trips to the Caymans and start saving just in case you are unemployed some time in the near future.

I hear the energy sector is a good place to invest those savings. Am I right?

Sincerely,

~Rayne

p.s. Umm, your friends at Eli Lilly, Citicorp and Deloitte, for starters, shouldn't answer you from those domains, either, unless it's purely about business. I sure hope you've got friends who are smarter than you.

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